Our everyday language clearly shows us that we have a wide variety of formulations to blame others for our emotional state or behavior .
“You’re pissing me off!” Or “This person is killing me !” Are sentences that we hear every day. Both sentences are often used so that we don’t have to look to ourselves to blame.
“There are people who cause their own storm and are sad when it rains.”
How can it be that others are responsible for your anger? Do you really think that you are another person’s puppet, slave, or instrument? How is it possible that your emotional state is negative due to external influences?
One of the qualities that define an adult is that they are able to take responsibility for their feelings and actions.
The others … – the never-ending excuse
As much as you, the circumstances may also limit, they let you always some leeway to decide. Even if someone puts the gun on your chest and is intimidated into making the language out, you still have the option to choose whether or not to go along with the demand.
If we don’t look at life too extreme, then our everyday life also allows us to choose between a multitude of possibilities. And of course we also have the option within a relationship with a person to behave differently and to determine our emotional state ourselves.
The vernacular says: “A dispute always takes two.” And everyone agrees fully and completely. You have the opportunity to respond to an aggressive attitude towards it, to ignore it or to understand it.
It is the same with sadness, fear and all other emotions: They are not dependent on others, but on you.
It is a lie that when our fellow human beings do something or don’t do something, we find our balance. It is definitely not true that we too can change when others change.
The underlying principle is that every now and then we don’t want to take responsibility for our feelings. It is precisely then that we use our environment as an excuse to justify our lack of control over ourselves or the inability to accept ourselves for who we are.
So we invent false explanations for what is happening to us: If she wasn’t so passive, I could outgrow myself. If he were more loving, I wouldn’t be so sad anymore. This type of complaint – once we translate it – means that we are in control and dealing with our emotional state.
We are not an island either
The influence of other people on our emotional world is very small. They simplify or inhibit certain feelings, moods and behaviors, but in no way do they determine our emotions.
Accordingly, it is obvious that we should distance ourselves from certain people in whose presence we do not feel understood or feel sad. But that is easier said than done.
We humans are full of ambivalences. This means that you can feel angry around someone, but that the same person can add dynamism to you and your life, or face challenges that appear attractive to you.
Nor do we live in a world in which there is only “good” or “bad”, “healthy” or “sick”. We all have a bit of everything. We all have moments every now and then when we argue with someone else or we become inedible because we complain so much about our sadness.
A perfect world in which, like the Dalai Lama, nothing and nobody can shake you, or in which you are only surrounded by balanced people, does not exist.
But what you can do is to work to escape this mental fallacy that is telling you that your feelings depend on others, that it is not your responsibility to work on your negative emotions, but that people around you change something have to.
If you manage to break free of this “logic”, you will find that everything becomes easier. You will see that sooner or later situations clear up. You will get to know yourself better and you may discover that you have been bothered by things that are basically not worth it.
When you get to this point, you will be well prepared to resolve conflicts. You will improve your ability to pay enough attention to problems that are really serious and you will leave excuses that keep you from getting ahead.
Images courtesy of Saltatempo