Even if it’s hard to believe, loving a lot is not the same as loving right. This is because a large amount of love often does not go hand in hand with the necessary sense of reality and a high quality relationship. Not everything that happens in the name of passion is okay and forgivable, especially when it is destructive. Nobody can give enough love if they lack respect.
Aaron T. Black, one of the most respected psychiatrists in cognitive behavioral therapy, explains this in his book Love Is Never Enough . On each of its pages we can find many of our own thoughts and behaviors. Essentially, it is about the fact that most of us hold on to the idea that love conquers everything, that it is that unspent energy that heals everything and sets everything right.
“In love the paradox arises that two beings become one and still remain two.”
It is undoubtedly a bit daunting to acknowledge that “being loved a lot” is not enough to make us truly happy. But the same goes for other areas of life and we have fewer problems recognizing it: Talent is not enough to be successful, money is not the key to eternal prosperity, and the direct path is not always the one that drives us brings you to your destination as quickly as possible.
Life is full of nuances that sometimes drive us to despair. Sometimes they astonish us, and sometimes they leave us absolutely defenseless. Loving a lot is not always an expression of real love. We must finally understand this in order to be able to react accordingly. We need to leave idealizations behind in order to have strong, fulfilling, and mature relationships.
We love a lot, but we love wrong
Many of us choose our partner because they are convinced: “He is the right one, the one who suits me best, who can make me happy.” But the reality looks different.
As most of us know, nobody chooses who to fall in love with. You don’t choose love and passion. It comes unexpectedly and carries us away. Little by little we are drawn into the vortex of feelings and idealizations that make our relationship seem almost heavenly, and we tell ourselves and everyone else that our love is magical, exuberant and without blemish.
Without realizing it, we come to a point of surrender where all boundaries are blurred and we only live for the other, to this point of happy interdependence where we love each other so much that there is no “mine” and There is more of “yours”, everything is “ours” until our identities dissolve.
It is extremely important to understand that this unconditional love, which appears to be a gift from Heaven, is dangerous. Because true love is earthly and it needs limits. Borders are important to protect yourself. The privacy of both must be respected in order to be able to lead a harmonious and balanced relationship.
When love is given and demanded in excess, it can degenerate into tyranny and the following dynamics can arise.
The 4 traps of dependent love and harmful love
In a dependent love relationship, sooner or later there will be behaviors that harm us and that we must therefore recognize early on. Also to save us from using them ourselves.
- Too much love and false love can make us secondary actors in our own life without our noticing it, because mutual devotion must be complete and absolute for much loving people.
- There comes a point where both partners compulsively think about what the partner should or should n’t do : “If he doesn’t do this or that, then he doesn’t really love me. If I do this or that, he should do it for me too. “
- This strategy is undoubtedly one of the most widely used in relationships. Projecting feelings of guilt onto your partner to make them feel bad for neglecting or hurting us without realizing it happens very often.
- Compulsive, codependent, toxic love leads us to envision things that are completely unfounded. The suspicion of being cheated, for example, can turn into a permanent feeling that burdens us enormously.
Love me in a beautiful, free way as long as we are together
There are fathers and mothers who love and adore their children with selfless and boundless devotion. They love her very much, but they don’t really love her. It is a suffocating love that clumps the wings of children and frustrates them. It destroys dreams and sometimes even the child’s ability to mature and find happiness.
“He who can love, tolerate and forgive always wins.”
The same thing happens in couple relationships. It is not necessary to die or suffer for love. We should never give up ourselves and our self-worth for the other. We should be demanding and say: “I don’t want you to love me much, I want you to love me really!”
On the other hand, we know all too well how important and exciting it is to feel loved without limits and in excess. It’s a form of self-affirmation. An energy that fills us, excites us, but also holds us captive. So we have to be careful and keep a cool head. Love has limits, and those are set by your integrity, your dignity, and your happiness.
When one of these pillars is threatened, it is time to step out of the golden cage.